The Real Sirius
by Sesame seed
Summary: You think you know the real Sirius Black? Wily trickster, hero, black sheep, scourge of the Black family, a rebel with a cause and a motorbike. But who is he really? What if he fell in love and could never act upon it? What would he do and how would it shape his actions? Everyone thinks they know about heartbreak until they experience it. Would the real Sirius Black reveal himself?
1. Chapter 1, Early Days

**Author's notes**

This is the first anything – story, fanfic etc, I have written in over 12 years, so I am very rusty and ask that you please be kind and forgiving of any mistakes. I am hoping that this exercise can cure my fear about writing and make me remember how much I loved it.

After re-reading the books it struck me how little you understand about Sirius's motivations, his heart and his actions. And surely such a great character deserves a story of his own. What makes Sirius, Sirius? I hope to find out.

These characters belong to J.K. Rowling, of course, but have chosen to hang out in my mind and in my story for a while.

 **The Real Sirius**

 **Prologue**

"You don't trust anyone do you?" she asked him quietly towards the end of the days he cared not to remember.

"I trust myself, and my wand" he had said and meant it.

When he thought back to that conversation, he could never be sure what she had said next, but the look of shattering heart-break in her eyes, the stuttering flames of the candles reflecting in her limpid irises, well, that was harder to forget.

It was these and other memories with which he chose to spend his time, all the time in the world it seemed. Locked in a dark, dank cell, reeking of death and disillusionment, screams of terror and hacking sobs of abandonment from his fellow prisoners, his constant companions. Fear and despair, ever-present, had by now faded into the background. The angels of death glided past the bars of his room, they had no interest in him now; everything happy had been sucked from his life, only the truth remained. He was innocent. He had been loved. He wanted revenge.

 **Chapter 1 Early Days**

His was not an unhappy childhood. A longed-for child, a son of the noble House of Black, ferociously intelligent but relaxed with it, and stunning enough to be considered beautiful with long curling dark hair, silvery grey eyes, and a constant half smirk, the light and dark of his personality perfectly balanced, he appeared to fulfil all of the long-held desires of his parents, Walburga and Orion Black, and expectations of his birth. Of course they had a second son to be sure. The requisite spare. But all of their care, attention, tutelage and love (limited as that was), was given to him.

Certain truths were drilled into him from birth; his kind, his family, his blood were born to rule. There would be those who might try to circumvent this, _blood traitors, perverts and scum, not to mention the conniving and foul muggle-born who had stolen power from true_ _pure_ witches and wizards, polluting the magical world. His _job_ , his _right_ , was to bring honour to the name of Black, to restore the magic world to its position of omnipotence and to carry on the line. Everything else was superfluous.

Up until the age of 7 Sirius did not question his teachings. Coddled, adored and worshipped, he was as arrogant and as confident as his parents could have hoped a son of theirs might be. His younger brother Regulus eagerly worshipping his idol trailed him from room to room around the austere and forbidding house, until Sirius desperate for some peace from him, from his parents, from his life, made the decision to lift the wards on the front door (of course he knew how to do this, he was also sneaky), let himself out, and walked away down the road.

The flush of hot excitement hit him as soon as he reached the bottom of the street, he had never been allowed out on his own, and the unexpected bustling order of the muggle world was overwhelming.

He walked all day. When he was hungry he magicked food from nearby vendors into his hand, when he was thirsty he stole a bottle of water from a café, _just like a muggle pickpocket_ he had once secretly read about in the restricted section of his father's library. When he was tired, he sat down on a bench in the park and watched the ridiculous muggles hurrying as if they were in a race with each-other towards underground stations. He had been told the muggleworld was ugly and ill-conceived, but gazing up at the ornate buildings surrounding him, the brickwork as elegant and as old surely, as his own home, he knew this to not be true.

"Are you lost?" he heard someone ask, glancing up he saw a muggle woman with kind eyes smiling softly down at him. She had her hand on the head of a little girl about his age with red hair peeping out from behind her.

"I…" he began, only to realise he really was not quite sure where he was "I live in a house on the square, I went for a walk" he offered.

"A square near here?"

Sirius shrugged. He had been warned not to trust strangers, and strange muggles least of all, but this woman hardly seemed threatening. She was looking down at him with a sort of gentle concern he had never experienced before.

"I am Rose" she said "and this is my daughter Karen. I saw you walk around the park earlier on your own, and I don't like to leave you here…if you agree we can walk you to the police station around the corner so we can track down your address?"

Sirius did not know what a police station was and did not care to. "No" he said, "but I'll come home with you" in the sort of commanding way he was used to saying most things.

He saw the woman, Rose, give a start. "I'm not sure if that's such a good idea…" she began, but Karen sliding out from behind her approached Sirius and gently put her hand in his. He had never been touched by anyone other than his parents and his brother and then only infrequently, even his tutors and the house elves would place an item on a table in front of him, rather than touch their skin to his. It had been made clear that touching, hugging and any excessive display of affection was considered unseemly and not worthy of the name of Black. But Karen's soft hand in his, her large unblinking blue eyes fixed on him and her rosebud lips shyly smiling, well, that was a different matter entirely.

Rose seemed to think so too, and agreed to take Sirius home with them. The trip on the crowded underground train from 's all the way to West Ruislip station was thrilling. Sirius traced the train's journey on the red line above the door and held Karen's hand tightly in his. Ending at the final stop, the trio departed the station and walked through the quiet suburbs to Rose and Karen's small house. Sirius observed the tired looking paint covering the walls on the outside, but unlike other houses on the road, had no rubbish strewn about outside. He was surprised to find that they were immediately climbing stairs as soon as they entered up to the upstairs floor.

"It's a maisonette" Karen confided with the proud tone of someone who had just learnt a new word.

Rose settled them in the living room with a cup of warm 'blackcurrant squash', whatever _that_ was, and a jammy dodger biscuit each, which Sirius chewed through in a haze of delicious eagerness. He distantly heard Karen speaking to someone and peering out the door, saw her with an odd looking object attached to her ear, the curling string connected to a table just out of sight. "Yes please, I need the police and child services". But as Karen had just handed over her jammy dodger and turned on a box in the corner of the room which was blasting out moving images, he forgot to be interested in the rest of the conversation.

A little while later, sprawled on cushions on the floor next to Karen, as happy and as contented as Sirius had ever been in his young life, he made the decision that he would stay there with Rose and Karen, at least for a while. He was not worried about his family - and he did not think, as most children of 7 do not, of their feelings of worry regarding him - he knew their expectations of him and his duty, but this sort of warm comforting feeling, this was new and needed to be explored, and as Karen put her hand in his again, Sirius smiled at her and felt at peace.

Sirius heard a hum before it happened, like a wasp cruising for its next meal, and then, all of a sudden, lights and bangs and screams. The air was filled with dust and bricks, the shabby wallpapered walls between kitchen and living room rent in two. Sirius saw a wizard holding Rose, wand pointed at her head, she was sobbing, and then with a casual crack of her neck she was dropped to the ground.

"No! no! no! no!" Sirius could hear someone crying, only to realise it was him and he was being restrained by his father. Other wizards prowled the room firing spells, checking for muggles.

"Mummy!" Karen was shrieking, running towards her mother, and Sirius knew. He knew what was going to happen. There was a blast and a light, and Karen was on the floor. Her red hair arced in a fan on the old carpet. Her blue eyes gazing up at Sirius, unseeing, accusing, dead. Walburga Black stowed her wand away again in her robe, did not look at the muggle child whose death she had just caused.

"Muggle security are on their way" she said to Orion "the mudblood called them. I am taking Sirius home. Make sure this is taken care of". She put her hand on Sirius's shoulder preparing to apparate.

Sirius looked down at Karen again, at Rose's lifeless body in the kitchen, and he understood now that everything he had previously known and been taught, his beliefs, his family, his kind, was wrong.

 **Aftermath**

Sirius was for the first time in his life, harshly disciplined. He was locked in the dusty attic at the top of the house. His mother overcame her dislike of touching him and beat him. His father shouted at him again and again. His tutors badgered and lectured and cajoled. Think, they said, think of what you could have revealed, of the Black family name and the magic world, the shame you have brought.

They did not say, their deaths are on your hands, they did not need to. Sirius knew it to be true. And they did not care to make the distinction.

Every time he closed his eyes he saw their faces, felt Karen's hand in his, and he knew that he could never let this happen again and next time, because there wouldbe a _next time._ Next time he would be clever and cunning and, he would win.

 **Author's notes**

Thanks for reading (if you've made it this far!) Hoping to explore his Hogwarts life in the next few chapters. Let me know what you think, and if anyone has a clue how to format (I clearly don't!) please give me a shout.


	2. Chapter 2, Old Hat, News Tricks

Chapter 2 – Old Hat, New Tricks

1st September 1971

 **A/n: Contains an extract from the Deathly Hallows concerning S & J's first meeting with L & S. All characters (and extract) belong to J.K.R**

The Hogwarts Express stood polished and gleaming reflecting the red bricks of Kings Cross station. Shrieks of laughter and excited chatter from children boarding the train, greeting old friends and waving goodbye to parents filled the air. Handsome and self-assured even at 11, Sirius was nonchalantly watching the scene. He had formally said goodbye to his parents at home, neither of them believed in emotional farewells, and it was an unctuous house elf who stood quietly next to Sirius as he looked around taking in his fellow students.

He recognised and immediately looked away from some familiar faces in the crowd, the children of pureblood families he had been forced to play with growing up - Marek Mulciber and Dom Avery, whose interminable conversation was only matched by the depth of their stupidity. More interesting was a young bespectacled boy laughing and running through the crowd, chased by an elderly witch and wizard.

"Who's that?" he questioned his house elf abruptly, knowing the slimy creature kept tabs on all the wizarding families at the behest of his mistress.

"James Potter, a pure blood Master, but a blood traitor. Mistress would not want you associating with him" whispered Kreacher in his ear, which quite made up the matter in Sirius's mind.

Since that awful day 4 years ago, Sirius had begun a subtle war of attrition with his parents. He had never openly disobeyed them again, but every rule he had found a way to silently circumvent, every edict he refused to believe, never again would he trust them and always he would remember the innocent muggles they had killed.

"You may go" Sirius said dismissively, walking away before the house elf had even bowed. He did not see the look of deep dislike Kreacher threw at his back, and would not have cared if he had.

Making to follow James Potter onto the train he stopped to watch his parents finally catch the curly-haired boy before planting enthusiastic kisses onto his hair and extorting promises from him to write to them. Climbing up the stairs after him he shouted

"Oi Potter, you dropped something"

Turning in surprise, the other boy faced him, dark curly hair rumpled as if he had been caught up in a strong gale, hazel eyes blinked at him owlishly from behind his glasses.

"What?" James said, turning and seeing a young boy with the face of a prince but with the smile of Lucifer himself.

"This" said Sirius grinning, holding out a bag of (illegal) indoor fireworks.

"They're not mine…" began James, then he became aware of the look of devilment lurking in Sirius's eyes. "Hi" he began again, "I'm James Potter".

"I know" Sirius smirked.

Sometime later, when all the fireworks had been exhausted, and a group of screaming Third year girls had threatened to hex them, Sirius and James stumbled laughing into a carriage with only two occupants sat in it.

Sirius looking up, caught tear-filled almond-shaped green eyes of a young girl, until the owner turned her head away and swept her red hair over her shoulder. Glancing at her companion, he dismissed him instantly as a nobody, with his patched robes and greasy black fringe stuck to his forehead.

"You'd better be in Slytherin" the nobody was saying encouragingly to the red-haired girl, his hand on hers as she looked out the window.

"Slytherin?" James bounded into the carriage and sat himself down opposite the girl looking at her with undisguised interest. She, on the other hand, was studiously ignoring everyone in the carriage. Sirius flung himself down gracefully next to James and afforded the sallow looking wizard opposite another mocking look. "Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" James remarked to Sirius.

"My whole family have been in Slytherin" he responded deadpan, not taking his eyes from the dark-haired wizard opposite.

"Blimey" said James "and I thought you seemed all right"

Sirius turning, smirked at him "Maybe I'll break tradition" he responded "where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

James faked lifting an invisible sword above his head waving it around "Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart! Like my dad"

The nobody sat opposite them scoffed derisively.

James immediately turned on him "got a problem with that?"

"No" replied the sneering boy "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy…"

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" interjected Sirius mockingly.

James fell back against the seat laughing. The red-haired girl shot both Sirius and James a look of intense dislike and grabbing her greasy-haired companion's hand dragged him from the carriage.

"Come on Severus, let's find another compartment" she said disdainfully.

"Oooooh…" laughed Sirius and James, mocking her lofty tone.

"See ya Snivellus" shouted James after the nobody, sticking out a leg to try and trip him.

That excitement over with, the boys changed into their Hogwarts robes and eagerly speculated on their future houses, each trying to out boast the other about their prowess on the Quidditch field. Sirius had not been allowed to fly very often, but he had the natural recklessness and over-confidence that lent itself well to the sport and he was itching to try out for the Hogwarts Quidditch team. With James at his side, his future at the Castle seemed infinitely brighter, and for the first time he was genuinely excited about the next 7 years ahead of him.

He reflected again on the red-headed girl and wondered why she'd been crying. Her hair long and curling brought back uncomfortable memories of Karen and shaking his head, he tried to dismiss the thought from his mind.

Several hours past in which the children disembarked the train at their final destination only to be greeted by a hairy man who looked like a giant.

"Awesome", Sirius heard James muttering.

The children were herded into small boats which automatically set out drifting onto the water once the right number of occupants had seated themselves. Straining to gain their first glimpse of Hogwarts castle, Sirius and James bobbed up and down on seats excitedly, ignoring the green colour of a small mousy boy opposite them and then shouting when they finally saw the turreted Castle rising majestically into the night-sky.

A little while later, even Sirius and James were quiet significantly awed by the splendour of the Castle, and trembling in excitement as they entered the Great Hall, with the eyes of a hundred older students upon them, as they walked with the rest of the First Years up to the front, where an old weathered hat sat waiting for them on a stool.

Sirius was one of the first to sit on the stool, the hat placed upon his head, slipping down slightly and covering his view of the Hall.

To Sirius's great astonishment, the hat began to speak to him "Well, well, well, another Black come to Hogwarts I see, to bring honour and glory to the House of Black I have no doubt".

Not bloody likely mused Sirius grimly, and reflected on his determination to be the exact opposite to everything his family wanted him to be. He thought he heard the Hat chuckle only to shout out loud to the whole Hall "Gryffindor!"

Elated Sirius jumped up, and breaking centuries of Black family tradition he went and sat himself down on the _wrong_ side of the room, looking over to the stunned faces of Mulciber and Avery with a kind of demonic glee.

Soon the red-haired girl ("Evans, Lily!") was sorted to his new house, she sat down next to him but seeing who he was, quickly turned her face away. Around Sirius his new house mates congratulated him and her welcoming them to Gryffindor, Sirius smiled politely but quickly turned his attention back to the Hat and his new friend sat beneath it. "Come on, come on, come on" he muttered, his fingers crossed.

However, no sooner had the Hat touched the curly hair of James Potter then it declared "Gryffindor!" and James raced towards the table to high-five Sirius, squeezing in between him Lily, much to her disgust. She ignored his high-five and looked sadly at her friend Severus as he was sorted to Slytherin, and walked slowly towards the table on the opposite side of the Hall.

The feast began soon after that, and James, egged on by Sirius's wink and smile of devil-may-care took to stuffing his pockets with cakes and scones for a "midnight feast! All Gryffindors invited!"

Lily affected to ignore both of them, and the quiet boys opposite, the small mousy boy, less green now and the tired-looking brown haired boy. She instead kept glancing over at the Slytherin table on the other side of the Hall and Severus, the greasy-haired boy who was stoically tucking into his food, not talking to his neighbours.

The feast over, prefects began to lead the various First years to their House dormitories. Sirius who had grown up in a magic house, who had been around strange and fantastical things all his life, had not expected to feel awed by Hogwarts. But as he watched the staircases shift above him, an Armoured Knight walking sentry past a shadowy doorway, a ghost of a nearly headless man drift pass nodding at the ghost of a grim-faced Baron with bloodstains down his robes, he acknowledged to himself that Hogwarts was _very, very cool_.

He then looked round at the mischievous face of his new companion walking next to him, who, after winking at Sirius, cautiously opened the pocket of his robe to display an indoor firework which he was just casually lighting. _It was_ , as Sirius thought to himself, going to be a brilliant 7 years.


End file.
